Thursday, November 01, 2007

Not so fast, Mister!!!!!

I am a mess. I just spent the last three hours driving in the country on a somewhat pointless real estate and nursery junket. I did not sleep last night and my head is reeling. I look like shit, I feel like shit and in my mind, I am shit. I thought the drive would do me good, but I think it just made matters worse. It was beautiful. A beautiful fall day, with reds, browns, yellows, and blues. Especially blues, lots of blues. Being alone in the middle of nowhere used to really do me justice as my head would clear and the thoughts firing through my mind would slow down. Typically, I could make sense of things. Those days seem to be gone. My son is a mess, and I do not know what to do about it. I know for certain that moving back is not the healthy response, but it seems to be the right response. What if I were to keep him longer in the summer? What if I were to seek additional custody? I am sure that she would do her best to crush me and my wishes in an extremely litigious ruthless fashion, so that is probably off the board. What about the progress I have been making? Do I just throw it away? It has taken me a long time to get to this point; can I legitimately just throw it away? I feel so incredibly selfish, so small, and so hypocritical. How am I ever going to justify this? I freely offer advice and pearls of my limited wisdom to friends and acquaintances while at the same time just absolutely floundering in my own ineptitude and inadequacies. If life is this wonderful ride of ups and downs why am I constantly the one with the spins?

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