Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The Megachurch of Townser


As the economy continues to falter here in the U.S., my thoughts have turned toward some sort of get rich quick scheme to help make ends meet. My best idea so far is to start a religion and outfit it with a fancy mega-church. I figured since I’m already ordained (Thank you Internets!!!) I’m halfway there. I commissioned some friends and acquaintances to write down some of the thoughts they had when thinking about me to help get the Church of Townser started. Their responses are posted below.

Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only Townser can count all the apples in one seed. ~Robert H. Schuller
Every evening I turn my worries over to Townser. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~Mary C. Crowley
Townser loves each of us as if there were only one of us. ~St. Augustine
Young man, young man, your arm's too short to box with Townser. ~James Weldon Johnson
Townser understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. ~Author Unknown
What we are is Townser 's gift to us. What we become is our gift to Townser. ~Eleanor Powell
A man with Townser is always in the majority. ~John Knox
You can tell the size of your Townser by looking at the size of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your Townser. ~Author Unknown
Maybe the atheist cannot find Townser for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman. ~Author Unknown
I don't know if Townser exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't. ~Jules Renard
A man can no more diminish Townser 's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. ~C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
The soul can split the sky in two and let the face of Townser shine through. ~Edna St. Vincent Millay
Townser is not a cosmic bellboy for whom we can press a button to get things done. ~Harry Emerson Fosdick
The feeling remains that Townser is on the journey, too. ~Teresa of Avila
Townser 's last name is not "Dammit." ~Author Unknown
Once one has seen Townser, what is the remedy? ~Sylvia Plath, "Mystic"
As the poet said, "Only Townser can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. ~Woody Allen
Clearly, Townser is a Democrat. ~Patrick Caddell
Townser: The most popular scapegoat for our sins. ~Mark Twain

Now I’m just going to sit back and wait for the donations to roll in, and also commit adultery with a meth-addled male prostitute, because that’s very good for business.

FYI-Photo taken 10 miles from where I was born

4 comments:

ABAT said...

Who the fuck buys drugs and then throws them away? That in itself is a sin and worse than "I didn't inhale".
I hope when you have your megachurch going you will not be throwing drugs away, nor using prostitutes only once every three years. Bloody wasteful.

Amen.

Townser said...

Abat, you can rest assured that Pastor Townser would never consider throwing away any drugs nor only use pros three times a decade. Part of my platform is to encourage responsible comsumption of all drugs and prostitutes

catfish said...

i enjoy the thought of you contracting for sex all the while scheming to earn a living pandering salvation...that i will drop on bended knee for (just don't jam lil' townser in my eye while i am praying in your chuch).

Townser said...

Unfortunately the scheme is not original at all. I merely have to heave a rock in any direction and it will hit a fellow practitioner. The hypocrisy is staggering.

As for lil'townser, none of what those methhead charlatans tell you is true...