Things I Learned from my Kids this Summer

I learned that they have absolutely no concept of “old” cameras that actually have film in them. My 6 year old was truly baffled as to how the pictures were going to be retrieved from the camera’s innards; “Dad, I need you to help me get the pictures out. How are we going to do it?”

I also learned that they are good, well adjusted kids. Watching them interact with other kids of similar ages was reassuring. They seemed very comfortable in their own skin and all exuded their mother’s extreme calmness. And, of course, they are extremely, and I mean, EXTREMELY smart.

I learned that they are cool. Despite the fact that my middle child has the Jonas Brothers on her iPod, she still reacted by saying, “Thank you. Thank you very much”, when an Elvis impersonator reached out to shake her hand.

I re-learned just exactly how much I miss them and how much I need them in my life. My house seems so fucking empty without them not to mention the emptiness inside me.

She Fucking Hates Me

I asked her how she felt about me attending the party at her house for our daughter. She said she hadn’t thought about it. Right, you have not given it a thought. You, of the calculated severing of ties, controlling communications, and limiting contact; I believe that about as much as I believe the Royals are going to win the World Series this year or the Democrats will take back the White house. I suggested that perhaps it would not be a comfortable situation. She agreed. So as it stands, I am going to fly back for the chance to witness (from afar) my Daughter’s first communion (Boy, do I loooove me some church...), then retreat to the safety of my hotel room with my tail firmly between my legs and wait for the next morning when I will be provided the opportunity to spend perhaps 2 hours with my kids before boarding a plane and flying home. It reminds me of those stupid MasterCard ads:
Plane Ticket: $285
Hotel: $260
Rental Car: $100
Chance for Ex to be a complete manipulative, heartless freak: Priceless

I’m actually progressing to the point of recovery where I’m wondering how the hell I wasted 16 years of my life with someone so cold and intentionally hurtful.

Ankle Deep Thoughts

Thought #1
How bad of a human being do you have to be to completely alienate the person that at one time had chosen to spend the rest of their life with you without intentionally doing anything malicious? Answer: pretty bad.

Unfortunately, I am exhibit A.

Thought #2
How stupid do you have to be to refuse to move on and continue to hold out hope for some sort of future after causing said alienation? Answer: very stupid.

See exhibit A.

Another one of those days

As best as I can tell, I am giving her what she wants. I probably owe her that. I have decided to stay in KC (I think, for now, maybe, possibly). She did her best to force me into that decision by treating me like a complete asshole for the last few months. Maybe now she will go back to treating me like a human being since I am no longer threatening her peaceful existence in Dayton. All I wanted in the deal was to stop hurting. The pain whenever I have to drop off the kids is unbearable. She had the nerve to reprimand me for letting the kids see me cry as I left. You tell me, what is worse, showing your true feelings in front of your children or backing out of the driveway in my convertible ‘vette with three hookers while laughing, smiling, and waving the whole time? What has happened to us? So, I have chosen to just deal with the pain from afar because frankly, I cannot see myself living in a city with her anymore. She is not the she I once knew, and it tears me up to even type those words, but it is true.

Message to her: Your plan has worked. I will not infringe on your lifestyle, but that being said, I need you as a friend. I need you as a confidante. As much as I want your love and affection, I understand that you are unwilling to give it to me, but you cannot possibly discount the years we spent together and the experiences we shared. You are doing us both a disservice by stifling this relationship. And when I say ‘relationship’, I do not mean a sexual, physical, ‘love-type’ scenario, I am talking about an emotional friendship where we can share day to day experiences and turn to each other for some release, empathy, sympathy, whatever.

Double Standard

Simple question as I have been thinking about the concept of double standards: why should I walk on eggshells around my ex in hopes of keeping the relationship on stable ground, while she continues to literally crap on me? More about the fetish later, but is this really right? Maybe it has a little something to do with the three little urchins that she controls my access to, just a thought.

On Suicide

I’d be lying if I said I had not considered it. I’d be lying if I said I did not have a plan at one time. That being said, it has not been on my mind for several years and believe it or not I have my dead cousin to thank for that.

The reason for this post is because of an intense, semi-manic conversation I had last week with my friend Dave. As often happens with me, when I am able to connect with someone on a level beyond general friendliness, I allow myself to let go and engage in these crazy, free form rap sessions similar to those described by Tom Wolfe in The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. Dave and I share many common interests and life experiences, most notably a love for the mountains, divorce/fatherhood, remorse, and depression. As we both struggle to deal with our divorces and parenting situations, depression is a common theme. Not just for us, but for our exes as well (or at least we rationalize that…). Of course, the logical (ignoring the fact that there is no logic to depression) progression of depression is suicide.

Suicide is one of those semi-taboo subjects in America. The majority of people know someone that has been affected by a suicide, if not know someone that has actually done the deed. In my case, my only male cousin killed himself, his mother made an attempt. In the interest of full disclosure I was hospitalized because of my suicidal thoughts. I remember standing in a church in St. Louis on a grey fall day (aren’t they always…) with tears streaming down my face cursing Bob’s decision. What about his son, I kept saying. What a selfish thing to do. Yet there I was less than five years later completely understanding the decision Bob had made.

Despite the fact that I had witnessed the damage done and felt first hand the pain caused by a suicide, I was there. Fully understanding the consequences of my actions yet realizing they were secondary to the great pain I was feeling. It is truly a desperate feeling. Every person you encounter, every comment made, every newspaper story is received and skewed through this filter that you have in the forefront of your mind.

Thankfully, I cannot imagine the act today. I think of my children, my parents, my family and friends, and even of her. None of them deserve the guilt or pain. Granted, I am no joy, but would their lives be better or worse without my presence? I like to think worse, it’ll at least get me to tomorrow and then I will deal with the day after that.

As usual ,Patterson says it best…

My Daddy called me on a Friday morning, so sad to tell me just what you’d done
You tried so hard to make us all hate you but in the end you was the only one
Sick, tired, pissed and wired, you never thought about anyone else.
You tried in vain to find something to kill you
in the end you had to do it yourself.

Who’s to blame for the loveless marriage, who’s to blame for the broken band.
You ran from life and all of it’s pleasures, your own teeth marks on your own damned hand.
Thrown out before the date’s expired, you’d rather die than let anyone help,
You’d rather die than take a stab at living.
Nothing would kill you so you do it yourself.

Everyone has those times when the night’s so long
The dead-end life just drags you down
You lean back under the microphone
and turn your demons into walls of goddamned noise and sound.

And it’s a sorry thing to do to your sweet sister
It’s a sorry thing to do to your little boy
It’s a sorry thing to do to the folks who love you
Your Mama and Daddy lost their only boy
Some should say I should cut you slack, but you worked so hard at unhappiness.
Living too hard just couldn’t kill you
In the end you had to do it yourself.

Living too hard just couldn’t kill you
In the end you had to do it yourself.

Patterson Hood, Drive By Truckers, Do it Yourself

The Natural Progression of Things

That is the natural progression of things. That is the phrase she used the other day to help defend her position on the whole ‘you are not my friend, you are nothing’ dust up. Her reasoning is that we have moved on, we do not need to share things with each other anymore; we are not each others release. On face value, her argument is valid. We should make other friends and have other relationships, I wholly agree with that statement. It would be irresponsible to oneself to not try to move on. However, she blew a big hole in her own argument when she said ‘our relationship now is based on the children and doing what is best for them.’ So, doing what is best for the children consists of hiding behind a murky statement and letting your ex suffer mightily for several weeks. Fine. Doing what is best for the children also seems to consist of one word answers to questions about their well-being and one word answers about what is going on in their lives. Doing what is best for the children is being evasive about your whereabouts (can you say crack house?). Doing what is best for the children is shielding them from their father? In my mind, doing what is best for the child does not involve divorce. That being said, doing what is best for the children is having an adult relationship between ex spouses. Doing what is best for the children is providing an example to them on how to behave in bad circumstances. Her parents do it, her siblings do it, my parents do it, and my sister does it. Why can’t the two of us? I’m sure that her parents and siblings would love to shout me down and I’m sure my family feels the same way, but none of them do. They act like adults and continue to communicate as such. I do not understand why she is so guarded with her emotions and with the way she communicates to me. I can only imagine what it is going to be like when we have to discuss plans for college or perhaps planning a marriage.

So, Soph is getting married.
Yes.
How do you feel about her fiancé?
Good.
Do you feel the relationship can last?
Maybe.
Can you expand on that?
Yes.
Will you?
No.
Why won’t you?
You’re not my friend anymore. I only talk like that with others.
Whatever, where do I send the check?

She does not seem to understand that we need to be friends. Actually, we need to be more than friends. I need to be her first phone call when something happens involving the kids. Not the call 24 hours later after all is resolved. Maybe she is afraid. Maybe she is fearful of her emotions. Maybe she worries that she will lose her temper with me and tell me just where to go and what to do with my thoughts. I wish she would. Maybe she is fearful because of some other reason, like maybe she knows she made a mistake or maybe she knows there is still something there. Regardless, I know the natural progression of things does not involve terminating an 18 year relationship because of needing to move on, while blatantly disregarding the children’s well being. The children she supposedly made all these decisions to protect in the first place. It’s so thick; I can even smell the irony.

Crickets

Still not a chirp from her or them. Growing desperate. I need an explanation of some kind. Anything, please.

Soul Sickness, Part 2

The one thing that I have determined as I struggle with the decision about whether or not to move back to Ohio is that it is taking the fun out of the rest of my life. It has become all-consuming and utterly energy draining. Very positive things have been happening to me from a vocational perspective and yet, I have nothing. No palpable excitement, no sense of accomplishment, and no satisfaction for the fruits of my labor. Why do I continue to let her affect me this way? I wish I could say that I am done letting her win, but she has already won the most important battle; she controls the kids. She controls my access to them and she controls the way they view their father. A week ago I would have given her the benefit of the doubt as to whether she would intentionally use the kids against me. Obviously, her behavior has altered my thinking on that topic. I always thought she would be above it. Apparently not…

Soul Sickness

Look me in the eye
And tell me that I’m satisfied
Were you satisfied?
Look me in the eye
Then, tell me I’m satisfied
And now are you satisfied?

Everything goes
Well, anything goes all of the time
Everything you dream of
Is right in front of you
And everything is a lie (or) and liberty is a lie

-The Replacements ‘Unsatisfied’

It’s fruitless. The way we live our lives is fruitless. We are wrong and we need to change. We are headed in the wrong direction at breakneck speed. My biggest regret in life is that I brought children into this world. Yes, I love them dearly and would do anything for them, but I fear for their future. I fear what the world will be like when (if) they reach old age because the direction our planet is headed is toward uninhabitability. How do I explain this fact to them? What do I tell them when that day comes? How do I explain to them that consumption is wrong and that we need to seek renewable ways to feed ourselves, to heat and cool our homes, to locomote ourselves, basically, to exist? My greatest fear is that they might ask me why; why I made the selfish decision to put them on this earth even though I knew that the place I was bringing them was not a good place. I will not have a valid answer to that question. Because your Mother wanted to is unacceptable. Do I level with them and say, I’m sorry and it was selfish. I did it for a woman I no longer live with and who no longer wants me. Maybe I should just lie and say I did not know any better. Sadly, I knew better. One thing I will do is from this moment forward do all I can to consume less and give back more. To walk when I can, to drive less, to garden more, to eat out less, to educate others, to hold my tongue with less frequency in the face of perceived wrongs, to act rather than think or fret, to care, to love, to spread ideas of sustainability, to convince that there is no tomorrow and that now is the time to act. Maybe that will help me with the guilt and the soul sickness that has so plagued my life.

See this film.

Tailspin

At least I’ve made it this far. At least I’ve gotten to the point where I can recognize it, because it is coming and it feels like it is going to be a bad one. All of the pieces seem to be in alignment. The shorter, colder, sunless days, the miserable holiday season, the desire, no, need to self medicate, the utter hopelessness, the helplessness, the complete misery that is a depressive episode. Everything is gray. I have no desire to try to remove the filter that is affecting all that I say and do. I am done. I am just going to ride this one out. Someone please help, because I’m not sure I can help myself.

Art: Tailspin by Ramon de Graff

Not so fast, Mister!!!!!

I am a mess. I just spent the last three hours driving in the country on a somewhat pointless real estate and nursery junket. I did not sleep last night and my head is reeling. I look like shit, I feel like shit and in my mind, I am shit. I thought the drive would do me good, but I think it just made matters worse. It was beautiful. A beautiful fall day, with reds, browns, yellows, and blues. Especially blues, lots of blues. Being alone in the middle of nowhere used to really do me justice as my head would clear and the thoughts firing through my mind would slow down. Typically, I could make sense of things. Those days seem to be gone. My son is a mess, and I do not know what to do about it. I know for certain that moving back is not the healthy response, but it seems to be the right response. What if I were to keep him longer in the summer? What if I were to seek additional custody? I am sure that she would do her best to crush me and my wishes in an extremely litigious ruthless fashion, so that is probably off the board. What about the progress I have been making? Do I just throw it away? It has taken me a long time to get to this point; can I legitimately just throw it away? I feel so incredibly selfish, so small, and so hypocritical. How am I ever going to justify this? I freely offer advice and pearls of my limited wisdom to friends and acquaintances while at the same time just absolutely floundering in my own ineptitude and inadequacies. If life is this wonderful ride of ups and downs why am I constantly the one with the spins?

In which my world is suddenly turned upside down

It wasn’t supposed to happen. I was pretty certain that I would never turn the corner, but I think I have, or at least am in the process of doing just that. This week could go a long way in determining whether or not I will ever recover from the debacle that has been my life in recent years and in particular the relationship with her that no longer exists as I make the annual pilgrimage back to visit them for Halloween. What has changed? I met someone. Frankly, I cannot believe that I just typed those words; I freakin’ met someone. Someone that I can actually find some common ground with, someone that has walked a similar path, someone that listens, someone that communicates, someone different than her. When we met, we both agreed that we could not possibly be in a relationship. Her schedule is insane, and I am insane, hence the fundamental problem. In any case, here we are, seemingly headed in just that direction. We are taking it slowly, painfully slowly at times, but it seems to be right. Actually, what do I know? I could totally be misinterpreting everything as it has been years since I have been in this situation, but if nothing else, it feels right. All I know is that she makes me laugh and she makes me smile and she makes me feel like I haven’t felt in a long, long time.

Update: I was wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update II: I was right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Scene of the Crime

I felt I was ready. It has been several years since I spent any time here, discounting of course the whirlwind 48 hours last fall for the football draft. Fantasy football draft party is essentially the same as bachelor party, just without a groom. Actually, not to digress, but maybe that is why the draft party has become such a big deal. Men seem to actually enjoy the preparation (i.e. research on the Internets and overpriced yet always wrong magazines) as opposed to selecting china patterns and linen. And the actual event is rarely cause for tears or glad-handing long forgotten relatives. Anywho, I am back in Colorado; a place that is as much a part of me as her or them. Just driving over the eastern state line heightens my mood. Somehow the air is better, the sky clearer. It’s the West, not the Mid West. Needless to say, I miss it tremendously. The problem is the memories. It seems that everywhere I go, she is there.

Like I said, I felt I was ready. I took this job largely because I could include Colorado in my territory and have a reason rather than an excuse to visit several times a year. Most of you will be shocked to realize that perhaps I made a bad decision. I am not ready for this. Over the last two days I have retraced footprints left years ago and unfortunately the emotions are as fresh as ever. Our houses that we lived in together. The parks we used to walk to together. The local pub. The local restaurant. Hell, even the dog park brought me to my knees. As great as it is to see old friends and business acquaintances, I fear the reward is completely trumped by the emotional cost. It all just makes me think about what could have been had I made the right choices. The choices that a rational adult would make, not the childish bullshit choices I made. Hell, I could be living amongst my friends with a nice home and a shitload of fantastic worldly goods. Instead I dwell in Mom’s basement with a storage unit full to the gill of boxes that have been neglected for years. I used to have many things and little remorse. Now the opposite is true. Obviously, worldly goods are not the answer, but I can assure you that obscene levels of regret and remorse are not either. Why it took me until now to understand just how good I had it, I will never know. I like to think that there was a reason for it, but as I continue my search, I cannot come up with one, or at least none has revealed itself to me. Maybe tomorrow, but forgive me if I do not hold my breath.

Buy this album.

Da Pain!!! Da Pain!!!

It’s back. I had done my best to ignore it for the past 6 weeks with a sophisticated blend of alcohol, barbituites, and denial. Unfortunately an incident at my son’s school shook me back to reality. Just when I thought I had the bastard conquered, he lunges for my throat. Pain, gotta love it.

I really thought things had been going well. Both jobs are rolling along and I have a great idea for a business. I have been meeting new, interesting people (of both sexes, amazingly…) and have truly started to embrace Kansas City and find my way in its off-beat culture. Yet, somehow I knew it would inevitably begin to crumble.

I could tell by the tone of her voice during the message that there was some sort of problem. I do not typically get the 7:45 a.m. “call me” messages from her. In fact, I do not typically get messages from her anymore at all. As it turns out, my son had been suspended from school for threatening another child. Apparently in this post-Columbine, post-9/11 world that type of behavior is unacceptable. The threats were idle and were nothing more then kids being kids. The suspension was minor. The whole incident was minor, but the effect it had on me would hardly fall into that category.

Somehow I reasoned that this issue had roots in the divorce. That enormous sense of abandonment returned and the gears of remorse, rue, and regret began to turn in my head again. For the first time in 12 months I seriously began to contemplate a return to Ohio. Rather than let this sense of failure as a parent continue to dominate my life and dictate my behavior, why not return and face it head on? It seems so simple; why not just go back so that I do not always have that giant “what if” hanging over me. To any normal, reasonably sane individual the answer would be simple; unfortunately, I am neither normal nor sane hence the difficulties. If I am to return I need to know that she will at least make an effort at reconciliation. I need that for selfish reasons, but I also need it for the most unselfish reason of all—the children.

I am not the same person she divorced. I like to think I have changed for the better and I like to think that she would be able to recognize that in me and I like to think that things could move forward for the sake of the all parties involved. Of course, I also like to think that she is happy to be rid of me and doing better without me; hence, the pain.

On a lighter note, I could always go back to reading imbecilic, myopic ramblings. At least everything is right in the world.