From the Department of Simple Truths

I drink because I hurt. There, I said it, and it wasn’t even that difficult. My emotional pain has been well documented on this page, but recently spiritual and physical pain has really played a large part in my supposed well-being. I have always found spiritual release in nature, but with an ailing hound, I have been unable to make my typical journeys into the hills and woods out of sheer guilt. I was shocked at the impact a few days at the beach had on my demeanor. Somehow I need to get past my feelings about Townes (my dog), and continue to feed my spiritual being. The relief from physical pain unfortunately, does not seem to have such an easy solution. I’m assuming that at the ripe old age of 39, I should not be in constant pain and have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe I should begin to take it a little more slowly in terms of my athletic endeavors, but what exactly will that accomplish? My guess is that it will just manifest itself as more emotional pain which will just spur more drinking. Oh well.

Ever Decreasing Liberty

Mr Dodd doing our Founders' proud on the Senate floor. Finally.

That's Your Answer? Really????

I cherry-picked this tidbit from Atrios and found it to be absolutely appalling.

Fortune magazine asked McCain and Obama, "What do you see as the gravest long-term threat to the U.S. economy?

They said:

Obama: If we don't get a handle on our energy policy, it is possible that the kinds of trends we've seen over the last year will just continue. Demand is clearly outstripping supply. It's not a problem we can drill our way out of. It can be a drag on our economy for a very long time unless we take steps to innovate and invest in the research and development that's required to find alternative fuels. I think it's very important for the federal government to have a role in that process.

McCain: Well, I would think that the absolute gravest threat is the struggle that we're in against Islamic extremism, which can affect, if they prevail, our very existence. Another successful attack on the United States of America could have devastating consequences. You've been a supporter of climate-change legislation that would essentially impose a penalty on the use of fossil fuel.

Really? I'm am so disgusted by this response. It reeks of sweet Rudy G screaming 9/11 from the rooftops. Just how stupid does Mr. McCain think the American electorate is? Wait...don't answer that. If I was Obama, I would hit John with this at every opportunity. God, I really cannot wait for the debates, it's going to be hard to avert the eyes.

Shrilltastic

I guess we can file this under the ‘too little too late’ tab. Friedman in today’s Times:

It is hard for me to find the words to express what a massive, fraudulent, pathetic excuse for an energy policy this is.

While I truly appreciate the sentiment and the harsh tone, I cannot help but ask what the fuck took you so long to call this President out? Where was the outrage surrounding Bush’s greatest bamboozle, the war in Iraq? It’s not just Friedman; others have picked up their level of dissatisfaction and really ramped up the criticism. To me, it seems a little like giving the bully the finger as he is being marched into the principals office or thumbing your nose at the freshly convicted thug. All I can honestly say is welcome to the party. I guess better late than never, although you might have a difficult time reconciling your actions with the families of the 4000+ deceased soldiers, the families of the countless injured G.I.’s, and oh, yeah, every Iraqi on the face of the earth. Good luck with all that and enjoy that guy staring back at you in the mirror for the rest of your life. Thanks for nothing.

If It's the Beaches*

So, I am in the midst of my first vacation that was not child related in 3 plus years. It feels quite awkward to be in a place where I have no parental or occupational duties to perform throughout the day. Actually, that last statement is not quite true, as I need to baby-sit my friend 3-Beer Bryan quite frequently. That being said, there is something fantastic about having no responsibilities other than having to drag myself to the beach in the morning and back home from the bar or restaurant at night. Thank goodness that God invented Tylenol and his evil twin, Tylenol PM. Mmmmmmm, eases the pain…

*Title courtesy of these guys.

Summing Up the GOP

Frank Rich hits one out of the park:

But the substance was even worse than the theatrics. Incredibly, Mr. McCain attacked Mr. Obama for being insufficiently bipartisan while speaking to the most conspicuously partisan audience you can assemble in today’s America: a small, nearly all-white crowd that seconded his attack lines with boorish choruses of boos. On TV, the audience came across as a country-club membership riled by a change in the Sunday brunch menu.

Ouch!

Beyond Stupid

I refuse to link to any of these articles, but it seems you cannot throw a rock into the Intertubes without hitting a diatribe from a Hillary supporter who says that they will sit out the election or vote for McCain in November. I have honestly never heard a more stupid proposal in my life and that is saying a lot. This type of thinking is wrong on every level and really does not justify a response. It does however cause my blood pressure to rise every time I think about it.

Living the Dream

Maybe I should not have written that last post denigrating the great state of Texas. It seems to have caused a bit of a downturn of luck in my ever-so-fantastic life. Since I have last posted, I‘ve lost my job including company car and the all-important gas card, my son broke his arm just in time for summer (you know those 9-year-olds and trees…), a good friends mother died in a freak accident, and my beloved dog Townes (the one who has been with me through all the shit, the one who seems to understand my thoughts and feelings before I can come to grips with them) appears to be dying. He has been fading for quite some time, but now he is unable to keep a meal down. Hopefully, I will find out more tomorrow after a million dollar visit to the vets office. He is still in good spirits, but obvious pain. I have been steeling myself for this moment for sometime, but somehow I don’t think that one can ever prepare for such an event.

In short, I have been living the dream. On the positive side, I moved into a new place and have been able to get through most all of our old belongings that I have been hauling around with me for the past 4 years without breaking down once. Certainly, a minor miracle, although I did turn the AC on yesterday for the first time, or should I say attempted to turn the AC on for the first time. Oh well, what’s a little humidity between a man and his dogs. I found myself laughing at the fact that I viewed life without AC as a serious obstacle as I sat reading Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. Talk about putting things in perspective; let’s see, no AC for awhile or facing obliteration of my race, family, and way of life. I guess I’ll take the former.

What's the Matter with Texas?

With all due respect to my dear colleague Stephen Colbert, I would like to offer the second part of my fifty part series, “What’s the matter with….” In this case my subject will be Texas. Really, just what the fuck is the matter with that place? I posit that this state has done more to fuck up our country then the other 49 combined. Seriously, that statement is not hyperbole; if anything it is not strong enough. Aside from the fact that about 99% of the music I listen to and my pay checks come from that place, I would be happy to see it slide into the Rio Grande. This is a place that represents everything that sucks about America. It is the largest single pollution producing state in our country and one of the largest polluters in the world. It has an incredible rate of child poverty and incarceration (gee, you think there might be a correlation?). It also helped spawn the great Frankenstein of tort reform, thus assuring that corporations are not responsible for any harm that befalls their unsuspecting customers/prey. Texans seem to despise immigrants although their state would cease to function without their presence. Urban sprawl is the norm and city planning is viewed as a laughable undertaking. Oh, I would be severely remiss if I did not mention the smugness. Listen Texas, your state sucks and it only makes the rest of us hate you more when you act so hoity-toity, capeche? And to ice the proverbial cake, the great republic of Texas has given us two of the worst Presidents ever. Funny enough, in true Texas chutzpah, they chose to be known by their initials; LBJ and GWB.

We all know that GWB is a fuck stick of enormous proportions who has literally fucked up everything he has ever attempted. I am going to leave him alone today, because it’s really not polite to kick someone when they are down, and more than 71% of his fellow Amurkans consider him to be down. That leaves good old Lyndon for now. The man who decided to keep us in Nam rather then allow the statement Jack Kennedy had signed to begin the removal of our 16,000 troops to hold sway. Not only did we have to stay, we also had to bring over an additional 3 million of our finest. Oh, but first we had to devise a better reason to be there. No problem, this devious douchebag had no problem (along w/Robert McNamara) setting up the Gulf of Tonkin incident and voila, a furious public needs revenge. Of course what’s a little gun play in a gulf a world away when you have already managed to murder 17 of your own political rivals back here in the states including your former President (allegedly)?

I know that there is a constant campaign for Texans to secede from the union; I humbly suggest that we beat them to the punch and kick them out. Also Barack if you are reading this, and I know you are please for the love of God do not go to Texas once you are elected.

The End of America

The fall of the American empire is at hand and it is has started in Catoosa, Oklahoma. One might ask; how can anyone from Kansas (not that I’m technically “from” Kansas anyway) make fun of any other place in the continental U.S? Well, dear reader, I’m about to explain that to you. Be patient, a-hole(s)! At first glance, Catoosa is merely a suburb of the booming metropolis of Tulsa. As for why Tulsa has this reputation of some king of undercover cool town, I have yet to figure out. For now, we’ll save Tulsa for another day. Back to the task at hand, the fall of the American empire and Catoosa, Oklahoma; last night I booked a room at a new hotel off of highway 44. Not wanting to stay in the casino, the Holiday Inn Express was my only option in town as far as I could tell and is actually quite nice.

After checking in, I worked for a while in my room (they even have the Internets in Catoosa!) and then felt the need to go out and check out the town, or at least find something to eat. I headed east, past the Wendy’s, Waffle House, Burger King, and someone’s ‘home cooked all you can eat’ buffet in search of something with a little bit of local flavor and hopefully not a franchise operation. East was the wrong way to go. After the Waffle House, there was nothing for 8 miles so I turned around and tried a couple of side streets that I had seen to no avail. I passed back through the two stop lights at the highway exit/town and passed my hotel headed west. As I descended into trailer park hell, I quickly realized that this was not the right direction. Quite hungry at this point, I noticed a lot of traffic at a small strip mall about 500 yards from the hotel. There was a grocery store, Subway, pharmacy, Video Rental Store (they still exist?), Check Cashing place (of course), and some Italian restaurant called Mazzio’s which I have come to find out is a chain as well, but the others are much cleaner and nicer than this establishment.

Reluctantly, I entered the restaurant thinking that it couldn’t be that bad because seemingly 75% of the town was dining there. I walked in and there were two types of people; the morbidly obese and the horrifyingly thin. I didn’t notice race, I didn’t notice sex, I only noticed girth or the lack thereof. That’s a lie, I also noticed an appalling lack of hygiene; both personal and facility wide. A dentist might have also found some work at Mazzio’s this fine evening. I walked to the counter to place my order and stood, un-helped for no less than 7 minutes while all 6 employees scurrying around behind the counter like roaches (real roaches have too much pride to be found in a place like this) did there best to ignore me when they were not yelling at each other. Finally, one brave soul asked if I’d been helped. I assured her I had not and tried to order. She informed me that she did not know how to take an order, but would find someone who could. I gave her high marks more effort and initiative. She must be on the fast track to management status. After finally ordering, I attempted to find a fairly clean place to sit and wait for my food to be prepared. I grabbed a copy of the USA Today sports page and strove to block out everything around me while I digested the baseball stats. Fat chance. The three children playing tag within the restaurant kept banging into my table and their piercing screams were enough to raise my blood pressure 40 points. Of course my 10 minute wait conveniently turned into a 25 minute wait. At some point during those 25 minutes I witnessed a seminal point in American history, the unveiling of the chocolate chip pizza. I knew something was up when the din subsided and was replaced by an anxious murmuring. Sure enough, one of the cooks shouted “Chocolate Chip is up” which was followed by a mad dash to the buffet line. I was left to stare open-mouthed at the chaos and wonder just what the fuck was up with our country.

Earth Day-Just Another Crappy Day That Makes Me Think Of Her

It’s always something. Today is the eve of an anniversary of some sort between the two of us. Lo, some 18 or 19 years ago we spent Earth Day together which was our first ‘official’ date, discounting of course the drunken night at the Balcony which was obviously too sloppy and not nearly romantic enough to be considered. If I recall correctly, we were not even alone, I think we were chaperoned by one of her friends and a large extremely hairy mixed breed canine of dubious parentage whose name I think was, Yeti, or Wookie, (actually, not Yeti, that was my buddy’s nickname for the dog’s owner) anyway, you get the picture. Being the nouveau hippies that we were, we attended an Earth Day celebration. There were Frisbees, Hacky Sacks, and weed. There were shitty Mexican blankets which we lazed on in Pfeffer Park staring at the clear spring sky and the trees and plants erupting from dormancy. Mainly though, there was her. I can distinctly remember how graceful I thought she was and how lucky I considered myself that a person of such beauty would want to spend time with a derelict like me. Her laugh, her smile; the usual suspects were all in attendance. Alas, that day is gone, so far gone in fact that she can barely stand the thought of speaking with me. Three kids, two dogs and thousands of broken dreams later those days seem almost to be a mirage; an image too good to be true replaced by anger, bitterness, and remorse. God, I wish those feelings were recyclable.

Appalled? Yes. Shocked? No.

After reading the article in today’s Times detailing the Pentagon and Administration’s intentional manipulation/use of retired military brass to catapult their propaganda on the national news networks, I was appalled. Obviously, I was not shocked, but this disastrous group of so-called leaders can still manage to upset even the most jaded. I gotta give them credit for that, after 7 years, I thought I had seen or heard it all. Well done, comrades! The article is filled with the requisite “I’ll scratch my back if you’ll scratch mine” type of shenanigans we have grown to expect from these clowns. Analysts immediately fall out of grace after actually speaking their mind, much less the truth. Other analysts continuing to land cushy government contracts for the various military support companies they lobby for after being privy to inside information. You know the usual Bush Administration bullshit. However, I was given pause by this series of paragraphs:

“I saw immediately in 2003 that things were going south,” General Vallely, one of the Fox analysts on the trip, recalled in an interview with The Times.
The Pentagon, though, need not have worried.
“You can’t believe the progress,” General Vallely told Alan Colmes of Fox News upon his return. He predicted the insurgency would be “down to a few numbers” within months.
“We could not be more excited, more pleased,” Mr. Cowan told Greta Van Susteren of Fox News. There was barely a word about armor shortages or corrupt Iraqi security forces. And on the key strategic question of the moment — whether to send more troops — the analysts were unanimous.
“I am so much against adding more troops,” General Shepperd said on CNN.

So despite the fact these men knew otherwise, they went on National television and lied to make sure they continued to get access to the Pentagon brass in order to help their lobbying and consulting careers. What have these lies wrought? Countless casualties on both sides of the conflict, enormous waste of American treasure, and of course the continued deterioration of American standing as a world leader. I would argue that we have descended to the point of laughing stock and/or punch line. So, I need to ask the question, beyond the moral shit storm these men deserve to deal with for the rest of their lives, are there any criminal charges that can be brought against them? I would expect some of them that were named in this article to face civil suits from families of deceased troops and I would expect these suits to fail, but regardless, these men need to face some sort of discipline for their deceitful, and in some ways, murderous actions. Will they? As usual, I won’t hold my breath.

Three Beer Decisions

I can’t help but think that my most recent three beer decision might be the last one I ever make. Probably wishful thinking, but nonetheless, the decision to play in an NHL rules full contact hockey game at the age of 39 while tipping the scales at a mean 135lbs., just could trigger my demise. If I post sporadically after April 25th, it is most likely because I am in traction at the local hospital. As my loyal readers know, I have made many stupid three beer decisions over the years, in fact in some way they probably define my life. Bad decision followed by a lack of judgment, pour over ice, shake, decant, serve. Although I would be reticent not to mention that a good portion of those three beer decisions have led to some spectacular evenings and crazy hijinks. Therein lies the rub.

She Fucking Hates Me

I asked her how she felt about me attending the party at her house for our daughter. She said she hadn’t thought about it. Right, you have not given it a thought. You, of the calculated severing of ties, controlling communications, and limiting contact; I believe that about as much as I believe the Royals are going to win the World Series this year or the Democrats will take back the White house. I suggested that perhaps it would not be a comfortable situation. She agreed. So as it stands, I am going to fly back for the chance to witness (from afar) my Daughter’s first communion (Boy, do I loooove me some church...), then retreat to the safety of my hotel room with my tail firmly between my legs and wait for the next morning when I will be provided the opportunity to spend perhaps 2 hours with my kids before boarding a plane and flying home. It reminds me of those stupid MasterCard ads:
Plane Ticket: $285
Hotel: $260
Rental Car: $100
Chance for Ex to be a complete manipulative, heartless freak: Priceless

I’m actually progressing to the point of recovery where I’m wondering how the hell I wasted 16 years of my life with someone so cold and intentionally hurtful.

Rock, Freakin' Chalk

It's crazy in the Land of Oz. What a game. This about sums it up.

The Smugness

It's so blindingly bright and ear-piercingly loud. I think I need to throw up. This is my favorite excerpt:

DePaulo: "[W]hen people say, 'You've created this climate of fear--'"

Rove: "I laugh."

DePaulo: "You laugh?"

Rove: "Yeah. I laugh. Sure. How? What, exactly? I'm not apologetic about what this administration has done. It's protecting America. It has won important battles in a war that we as a nation better win or we will leave the future to our kids, a much darker and dangerous future."

H/T: Froomkin

Instant Therapy

In my some days are better than others, why do I have to open my eyes this morning, the sun came out again world, I have found very little to provide instant therapy. Let me rephrase that, I have found very little to provide legal, non-toxic, non-debilitating hangover causing instant therapy. However, today I received a dose of something that I forgot works very well: the mountains. I had to travel to Northwest Arkansas for work and arrived under cover of darkness yesterday to the town of Fayetteville. I awoke this morning surrounded by small mountains, drizzle and fairly dense fog. Not exactly a depressive’s formula for happiness, but 5 minutes into a drive to see clients changed all that. I felt hope and happiness as the thoughts of simpler times and far away places flooded my mind while rolling through the old local hills. Hell, I even saw a deer that hadn’t been crushed by a semi yet…yet.

Update: The day was just made better by the discovery of this place. Simply amazing. However, I fear I might have to disguise my purchase while passing through Missouri and Oklahoma tomorrow. I'm not so certain the Constitution is still adhered to in those places.

The Megachurch of Townser

As the economy continues to falter here in the U.S., my thoughts have turned toward some sort of get rich quick scheme to help make ends meet. My best idea so far is to start a religion and outfit it with a fancy mega-church. I figured since I’m already ordained (Thank you Internets!!!) I’m halfway there. I commissioned some friends and acquaintances to write down some of the thoughts they had when thinking about me to help get the Church of Townser started. Their responses are posted below.

Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only Townser can count all the apples in one seed. ~Robert H. Schuller
Every evening I turn my worries over to Townser. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~Mary C. Crowley
Townser loves each of us as if there were only one of us. ~St. Augustine
Young man, young man, your arm's too short to box with Townser. ~James Weldon Johnson
Townser understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. ~Author Unknown
What we are is Townser 's gift to us. What we become is our gift to Townser. ~Eleanor Powell
A man with Townser is always in the majority. ~John Knox
You can tell the size of your Townser by looking at the size of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your Townser. ~Author Unknown
Maybe the atheist cannot find Townser for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman. ~Author Unknown
I don't know if Townser exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't. ~Jules Renard
A man can no more diminish Townser 's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. ~C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
The soul can split the sky in two and let the face of Townser shine through. ~Edna St. Vincent Millay
Townser is not a cosmic bellboy for whom we can press a button to get things done. ~Harry Emerson Fosdick
The feeling remains that Townser is on the journey, too. ~Teresa of Avila
Townser 's last name is not "Dammit." ~Author Unknown
Once one has seen Townser, what is the remedy? ~Sylvia Plath, "Mystic"
As the poet said, "Only Townser can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. ~Woody Allen
Clearly, Townser is a Democrat. ~Patrick Caddell
Townser: The most popular scapegoat for our sins. ~Mark Twain

Now I’m just going to sit back and wait for the donations to roll in, and also commit adultery with a meth-addled male prostitute, because that’s very good for business.

FYI-Photo taken 10 miles from where I was born

Issues

Yes, I have plenty of them, but this post is not about me. This post is more of an indictment of what passes as the media in this country. Why is there so little coverage of the actual issues in the presidential race? I know that the differences between the democratic candidates are fairly subtle, but they still need to be hashed out. I am so sick of hearing about Hill’s sniper-fire story and Obama’s good reverend Wright. Why am I not hearing about their stances on immigration (which personally I could give two shits about) or the economy or their ideas about what direction our foreign policy should head or the looming energy crises or environmental policy or …..

Anyway, you get the gist of it. And when are we going to stop hearing about what a straight-talkin’ maverick McCrazy is and actually have a member of our media confront him on one of his numerous positions about our standing in the Middle East? Since they continue to change daily, you would think someone might want to pin him down on that one. But he is a maverick and also a straight –talker!!!!!!

Ankle Deep Thoughts

Thought #1
How bad of a human being do you have to be to completely alienate the person that at one time had chosen to spend the rest of their life with you without intentionally doing anything malicious? Answer: pretty bad.

Unfortunately, I am exhibit A.

Thought #2
How stupid do you have to be to refuse to move on and continue to hold out hope for some sort of future after causing said alienation? Answer: very stupid.

See exhibit A.