RNC to the MAXXXXXXX

In lieu of sticking pencils in my ears, I've decided to drink my way through tonight's festivities. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to drink fast enough.

The Unbearable Whiteness of Being

Since my return from Hilton Head Island earlier this summer, I have been trying to figure out a way to present/write this post. Fortunately, the Republican National Convention has given me just the platform. I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed by my ethnicity. I understand this is really difficult ground to tread without discharging numerous racial mines, so please bear with me. What I am mainly disillusioned by is our (meaning the white population) inability to embrace the changing ethnic landscape that this country is undergoing. It is my true hope that the 2008 RNC in St. Paul is the last time I have to look at a crowd filled completely with aging, out of touch Caucasians rallying for other aging out of touch Caucasians who are advocating a platform that supports only aging out of touch Caucasians. Seriously, I wonder how many of the delegates in attendance have taken a good look around their communities lately. Because, if they had, they would have to be a little shaken by the fact that the people in attendance with them in St. Paul bear little resemblance to those that they run across in everyday life at the convenience store, or dry cleaners, or grocery store, or dentists’ office. I know that the dems supposedly occupy the elitist ground in this country, but we all know that position is theirs solely because of the likes of Karl Rove and his minions. I defy anyone to spend a week in Hilton Head or Kiawah and tell me which party is the party of the elite.

Full Disclosure: I am part Native American, so maybe this post is nothing but sour grapes.

In which I Attempt to Tie the News Ticker to the Ruination of our Society

I am asking for an immediate moratorium on the news ticker or tracker or whatever the fuck you want to call the thing that crawls along the bottom of every channel on the teevee telling me all I need to know about complex stories in a simple 6 word sentence. Enough already, this piece of crap is ruining the world. For Exhibit A, just look at the current coverage of the election in this country. We are bombarded with tidbits about the look of the set that Barack is going to speak from, yet very little about the actual content of the speech. We concern ourselves with the chai-ification of the snobbish dems, yet do not even hash out the details of Obama’s even handed economic plan. I firmly believe that the news ticker has killed our ability to reason and analyze information as it is presented to us. And furthermore, it has helped squeeze those stories and situations that need reason and analysis off the teevee screen and pages of the newspaper only to be replaced by mind-numbing minutiae that fits the 6 word formula.

Even worse is the type of journalism and journalist that has been spawned by our need to diffuse every story into 6 words. In a time when a myriad of issues need to be sorted out regarding the dismal state of this country both here and abroad why should I ever have to see Dan Abrams on my television spouting completely irrelevant commentary? Seriously Dan, are you a political/legal reporter or a gossip columnist? Judging from the fact you were recently dumped from prime time and from every bit of work you have done in your miserable life, I’m gonna stick with gossip columnist for now. Dan, it is called nuance. Remember there are varying ways to report Paris’s panty-less nights amongst the glitterati and the hypocrisy of McCain’s claims to support a living wage or minimum wage increases. Just decide which one you want to handle, but please stop combining the two. I understand our political discourse in this country is stupid, but could we attempt to inject some sort of rational thought into it. The stakes are far too high.

The Skepticism of a Skeptic

As the days continue to pass and all is calm on the good ship Townser, I continue to become less skeptical of my skepticalness of the direction this thing is headed. Somehow, someway, it is working with someone. She has helped to restore happiness to a veritable wasteland of depression, remorse, embarrassment, and borderline hatred. Now, just don’t blow it you shithead.

Things I Learned from my Kids this Summer

I learned that they have absolutely no concept of “old” cameras that actually have film in them. My 6 year old was truly baffled as to how the pictures were going to be retrieved from the camera’s innards; “Dad, I need you to help me get the pictures out. How are we going to do it?”

I also learned that they are good, well adjusted kids. Watching them interact with other kids of similar ages was reassuring. They seemed very comfortable in their own skin and all exuded their mother’s extreme calmness. And, of course, they are extremely, and I mean, EXTREMELY smart.

I learned that they are cool. Despite the fact that my middle child has the Jonas Brothers on her iPod, she still reacted by saying, “Thank you. Thank you very much”, when an Elvis impersonator reached out to shake her hand.

I re-learned just exactly how much I miss them and how much I need them in my life. My house seems so fucking empty without them not to mention the emptiness inside me.

Letter to a Friend

Townes-

I hope that I am doing the right thing. I just wish that you could tell me that I am. This is easily the most difficult decision that I have had to make in my life to this point, and with my history of bad decisions, I hope I do not live to regret this one. But recently, when I have looked at you, I think I can see you reassuring me in the expression on your face. Sadly, I guess I will never truly know. What I do know is that your illness has reduced you to a shadow of your former self and I am having a hard time coping with that fact. I knew 13 years ago when I got you that this day would come and that it would be a difficult day. Frankly, I had no idea just how difficult it would be. And that’s mainly because of what a fantastic animal and friend you are and have always been. Your companionship and unyielding love have almost single-handedly gotten me through some of my toughest times, and God knows there have been many. I hope you understand how much you mean to me and how special you are. You have touched more people than you will ever know. I will cherish your memory and never forget the days we spent together especially those blissful days in the mountains and woods where you seemed so content. Please know that someday I will take you back to the mountains where you belong. I’m going to place you near where you used to play with your friend Elk. The two of you can run together for eternity. I hope that will be a suitable place for you. I’m not sure that you understand the impact you have had on my life as it has truly been profound. Sometimes I wish that I could be half the man that you are dog. Your nobility and grace would suit me well. Please rest assured that your presence will never leave me. You will be dearly missed.

Go in peace,
Matt

What was He Thinking?

As we roll through this lovely campaign season, or as I like to call it, the most shitful time of the year™, I found this little gem from Mr. Whitman and it reminded me of just how far we have fallen. Indissoluble companionship? Fucking blasphemy. The guy must have been some sort of dirty fucking hippie.

For You, O Democracy

Come, I will make the continent indissoluble,
I will make the most splendid race the sun ever shone upon,
I will make divine magnetic lands,
With the love of comrades,
With the life-long love of comrades.

I will plant companionship thick as trees along all the rivers of America,
and along the shores of the great lakes, and all over the prairies,
I will make inseparable cities with their arms about each other's necks,
By the love of comrades,
By the manly love of comrades.

For you these from me, O Democracy, to serve you ma femme!
For you, for you I am trilling these songs.

From the Department of Simple Truths

I drink because I hurt. There, I said it, and it wasn’t even that difficult. My emotional pain has been well documented on this page, but recently spiritual and physical pain has really played a large part in my supposed well-being. I have always found spiritual release in nature, but with an ailing hound, I have been unable to make my typical journeys into the hills and woods out of sheer guilt. I was shocked at the impact a few days at the beach had on my demeanor. Somehow I need to get past my feelings about Townes (my dog), and continue to feed my spiritual being. The relief from physical pain unfortunately, does not seem to have such an easy solution. I’m assuming that at the ripe old age of 39, I should not be in constant pain and have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe I should begin to take it a little more slowly in terms of my athletic endeavors, but what exactly will that accomplish? My guess is that it will just manifest itself as more emotional pain which will just spur more drinking. Oh well.

Ever Decreasing Liberty

Mr Dodd doing our Founders' proud on the Senate floor. Finally.

That's Your Answer? Really????

I cherry-picked this tidbit from Atrios and found it to be absolutely appalling.

Fortune magazine asked McCain and Obama, "What do you see as the gravest long-term threat to the U.S. economy?

They said:

Obama: If we don't get a handle on our energy policy, it is possible that the kinds of trends we've seen over the last year will just continue. Demand is clearly outstripping supply. It's not a problem we can drill our way out of. It can be a drag on our economy for a very long time unless we take steps to innovate and invest in the research and development that's required to find alternative fuels. I think it's very important for the federal government to have a role in that process.

McCain: Well, I would think that the absolute gravest threat is the struggle that we're in against Islamic extremism, which can affect, if they prevail, our very existence. Another successful attack on the United States of America could have devastating consequences. You've been a supporter of climate-change legislation that would essentially impose a penalty on the use of fossil fuel.

Really? I'm am so disgusted by this response. It reeks of sweet Rudy G screaming 9/11 from the rooftops. Just how stupid does Mr. McCain think the American electorate is? Wait...don't answer that. If I was Obama, I would hit John with this at every opportunity. God, I really cannot wait for the debates, it's going to be hard to avert the eyes.

Shrilltastic

I guess we can file this under the ‘too little too late’ tab. Friedman in today’s Times:

It is hard for me to find the words to express what a massive, fraudulent, pathetic excuse for an energy policy this is.

While I truly appreciate the sentiment and the harsh tone, I cannot help but ask what the fuck took you so long to call this President out? Where was the outrage surrounding Bush’s greatest bamboozle, the war in Iraq? It’s not just Friedman; others have picked up their level of dissatisfaction and really ramped up the criticism. To me, it seems a little like giving the bully the finger as he is being marched into the principals office or thumbing your nose at the freshly convicted thug. All I can honestly say is welcome to the party. I guess better late than never, although you might have a difficult time reconciling your actions with the families of the 4000+ deceased soldiers, the families of the countless injured G.I.’s, and oh, yeah, every Iraqi on the face of the earth. Good luck with all that and enjoy that guy staring back at you in the mirror for the rest of your life. Thanks for nothing.

If It's the Beaches*

So, I am in the midst of my first vacation that was not child related in 3 plus years. It feels quite awkward to be in a place where I have no parental or occupational duties to perform throughout the day. Actually, that last statement is not quite true, as I need to baby-sit my friend 3-Beer Bryan quite frequently. That being said, there is something fantastic about having no responsibilities other than having to drag myself to the beach in the morning and back home from the bar or restaurant at night. Thank goodness that God invented Tylenol and his evil twin, Tylenol PM. Mmmmmmm, eases the pain…

*Title courtesy of these guys.

Summing Up the GOP

Frank Rich hits one out of the park:

But the substance was even worse than the theatrics. Incredibly, Mr. McCain attacked Mr. Obama for being insufficiently bipartisan while speaking to the most conspicuously partisan audience you can assemble in today’s America: a small, nearly all-white crowd that seconded his attack lines with boorish choruses of boos. On TV, the audience came across as a country-club membership riled by a change in the Sunday brunch menu.

Ouch!

Beyond Stupid

I refuse to link to any of these articles, but it seems you cannot throw a rock into the Intertubes without hitting a diatribe from a Hillary supporter who says that they will sit out the election or vote for McCain in November. I have honestly never heard a more stupid proposal in my life and that is saying a lot. This type of thinking is wrong on every level and really does not justify a response. It does however cause my blood pressure to rise every time I think about it.

Living the Dream

Maybe I should not have written that last post denigrating the great state of Texas. It seems to have caused a bit of a downturn of luck in my ever-so-fantastic life. Since I have last posted, I‘ve lost my job including company car and the all-important gas card, my son broke his arm just in time for summer (you know those 9-year-olds and trees…), a good friends mother died in a freak accident, and my beloved dog Townes (the one who has been with me through all the shit, the one who seems to understand my thoughts and feelings before I can come to grips with them) appears to be dying. He has been fading for quite some time, but now he is unable to keep a meal down. Hopefully, I will find out more tomorrow after a million dollar visit to the vets office. He is still in good spirits, but obvious pain. I have been steeling myself for this moment for sometime, but somehow I don’t think that one can ever prepare for such an event.

In short, I have been living the dream. On the positive side, I moved into a new place and have been able to get through most all of our old belongings that I have been hauling around with me for the past 4 years without breaking down once. Certainly, a minor miracle, although I did turn the AC on yesterday for the first time, or should I say attempted to turn the AC on for the first time. Oh well, what’s a little humidity between a man and his dogs. I found myself laughing at the fact that I viewed life without AC as a serious obstacle as I sat reading Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. Talk about putting things in perspective; let’s see, no AC for awhile or facing obliteration of my race, family, and way of life. I guess I’ll take the former.

What's the Matter with Texas?

With all due respect to my dear colleague Stephen Colbert, I would like to offer the second part of my fifty part series, “What’s the matter with….” In this case my subject will be Texas. Really, just what the fuck is the matter with that place? I posit that this state has done more to fuck up our country then the other 49 combined. Seriously, that statement is not hyperbole; if anything it is not strong enough. Aside from the fact that about 99% of the music I listen to and my pay checks come from that place, I would be happy to see it slide into the Rio Grande. This is a place that represents everything that sucks about America. It is the largest single pollution producing state in our country and one of the largest polluters in the world. It has an incredible rate of child poverty and incarceration (gee, you think there might be a correlation?). It also helped spawn the great Frankenstein of tort reform, thus assuring that corporations are not responsible for any harm that befalls their unsuspecting customers/prey. Texans seem to despise immigrants although their state would cease to function without their presence. Urban sprawl is the norm and city planning is viewed as a laughable undertaking. Oh, I would be severely remiss if I did not mention the smugness. Listen Texas, your state sucks and it only makes the rest of us hate you more when you act so hoity-toity, capeche? And to ice the proverbial cake, the great republic of Texas has given us two of the worst Presidents ever. Funny enough, in true Texas chutzpah, they chose to be known by their initials; LBJ and GWB.

We all know that GWB is a fuck stick of enormous proportions who has literally fucked up everything he has ever attempted. I am going to leave him alone today, because it’s really not polite to kick someone when they are down, and more than 71% of his fellow Amurkans consider him to be down. That leaves good old Lyndon for now. The man who decided to keep us in Nam rather then allow the statement Jack Kennedy had signed to begin the removal of our 16,000 troops to hold sway. Not only did we have to stay, we also had to bring over an additional 3 million of our finest. Oh, but first we had to devise a better reason to be there. No problem, this devious douchebag had no problem (along w/Robert McNamara) setting up the Gulf of Tonkin incident and voila, a furious public needs revenge. Of course what’s a little gun play in a gulf a world away when you have already managed to murder 17 of your own political rivals back here in the states including your former President (allegedly)?

I know that there is a constant campaign for Texans to secede from the union; I humbly suggest that we beat them to the punch and kick them out. Also Barack if you are reading this, and I know you are please for the love of God do not go to Texas once you are elected.

The End of America

The fall of the American empire is at hand and it is has started in Catoosa, Oklahoma. One might ask; how can anyone from Kansas (not that I’m technically “from” Kansas anyway) make fun of any other place in the continental U.S? Well, dear reader, I’m about to explain that to you. Be patient, a-hole(s)! At first glance, Catoosa is merely a suburb of the booming metropolis of Tulsa. As for why Tulsa has this reputation of some king of undercover cool town, I have yet to figure out. For now, we’ll save Tulsa for another day. Back to the task at hand, the fall of the American empire and Catoosa, Oklahoma; last night I booked a room at a new hotel off of highway 44. Not wanting to stay in the casino, the Holiday Inn Express was my only option in town as far as I could tell and is actually quite nice.

After checking in, I worked for a while in my room (they even have the Internets in Catoosa!) and then felt the need to go out and check out the town, or at least find something to eat. I headed east, past the Wendy’s, Waffle House, Burger King, and someone’s ‘home cooked all you can eat’ buffet in search of something with a little bit of local flavor and hopefully not a franchise operation. East was the wrong way to go. After the Waffle House, there was nothing for 8 miles so I turned around and tried a couple of side streets that I had seen to no avail. I passed back through the two stop lights at the highway exit/town and passed my hotel headed west. As I descended into trailer park hell, I quickly realized that this was not the right direction. Quite hungry at this point, I noticed a lot of traffic at a small strip mall about 500 yards from the hotel. There was a grocery store, Subway, pharmacy, Video Rental Store (they still exist?), Check Cashing place (of course), and some Italian restaurant called Mazzio’s which I have come to find out is a chain as well, but the others are much cleaner and nicer than this establishment.

Reluctantly, I entered the restaurant thinking that it couldn’t be that bad because seemingly 75% of the town was dining there. I walked in and there were two types of people; the morbidly obese and the horrifyingly thin. I didn’t notice race, I didn’t notice sex, I only noticed girth or the lack thereof. That’s a lie, I also noticed an appalling lack of hygiene; both personal and facility wide. A dentist might have also found some work at Mazzio’s this fine evening. I walked to the counter to place my order and stood, un-helped for no less than 7 minutes while all 6 employees scurrying around behind the counter like roaches (real roaches have too much pride to be found in a place like this) did there best to ignore me when they were not yelling at each other. Finally, one brave soul asked if I’d been helped. I assured her I had not and tried to order. She informed me that she did not know how to take an order, but would find someone who could. I gave her high marks more effort and initiative. She must be on the fast track to management status. After finally ordering, I attempted to find a fairly clean place to sit and wait for my food to be prepared. I grabbed a copy of the USA Today sports page and strove to block out everything around me while I digested the baseball stats. Fat chance. The three children playing tag within the restaurant kept banging into my table and their piercing screams were enough to raise my blood pressure 40 points. Of course my 10 minute wait conveniently turned into a 25 minute wait. At some point during those 25 minutes I witnessed a seminal point in American history, the unveiling of the chocolate chip pizza. I knew something was up when the din subsided and was replaced by an anxious murmuring. Sure enough, one of the cooks shouted “Chocolate Chip is up” which was followed by a mad dash to the buffet line. I was left to stare open-mouthed at the chaos and wonder just what the fuck was up with our country.

Earth Day-Just Another Crappy Day That Makes Me Think Of Her

It’s always something. Today is the eve of an anniversary of some sort between the two of us. Lo, some 18 or 19 years ago we spent Earth Day together which was our first ‘official’ date, discounting of course the drunken night at the Balcony which was obviously too sloppy and not nearly romantic enough to be considered. If I recall correctly, we were not even alone, I think we were chaperoned by one of her friends and a large extremely hairy mixed breed canine of dubious parentage whose name I think was, Yeti, or Wookie, (actually, not Yeti, that was my buddy’s nickname for the dog’s owner) anyway, you get the picture. Being the nouveau hippies that we were, we attended an Earth Day celebration. There were Frisbees, Hacky Sacks, and weed. There were shitty Mexican blankets which we lazed on in Pfeffer Park staring at the clear spring sky and the trees and plants erupting from dormancy. Mainly though, there was her. I can distinctly remember how graceful I thought she was and how lucky I considered myself that a person of such beauty would want to spend time with a derelict like me. Her laugh, her smile; the usual suspects were all in attendance. Alas, that day is gone, so far gone in fact that she can barely stand the thought of speaking with me. Three kids, two dogs and thousands of broken dreams later those days seem almost to be a mirage; an image too good to be true replaced by anger, bitterness, and remorse. God, I wish those feelings were recyclable.

Appalled? Yes. Shocked? No.

After reading the article in today’s Times detailing the Pentagon and Administration’s intentional manipulation/use of retired military brass to catapult their propaganda on the national news networks, I was appalled. Obviously, I was not shocked, but this disastrous group of so-called leaders can still manage to upset even the most jaded. I gotta give them credit for that, after 7 years, I thought I had seen or heard it all. Well done, comrades! The article is filled with the requisite “I’ll scratch my back if you’ll scratch mine” type of shenanigans we have grown to expect from these clowns. Analysts immediately fall out of grace after actually speaking their mind, much less the truth. Other analysts continuing to land cushy government contracts for the various military support companies they lobby for after being privy to inside information. You know the usual Bush Administration bullshit. However, I was given pause by this series of paragraphs:

“I saw immediately in 2003 that things were going south,” General Vallely, one of the Fox analysts on the trip, recalled in an interview with The Times.
The Pentagon, though, need not have worried.
“You can’t believe the progress,” General Vallely told Alan Colmes of Fox News upon his return. He predicted the insurgency would be “down to a few numbers” within months.
“We could not be more excited, more pleased,” Mr. Cowan told Greta Van Susteren of Fox News. There was barely a word about armor shortages or corrupt Iraqi security forces. And on the key strategic question of the moment — whether to send more troops — the analysts were unanimous.
“I am so much against adding more troops,” General Shepperd said on CNN.

So despite the fact these men knew otherwise, they went on National television and lied to make sure they continued to get access to the Pentagon brass in order to help their lobbying and consulting careers. What have these lies wrought? Countless casualties on both sides of the conflict, enormous waste of American treasure, and of course the continued deterioration of American standing as a world leader. I would argue that we have descended to the point of laughing stock and/or punch line. So, I need to ask the question, beyond the moral shit storm these men deserve to deal with for the rest of their lives, are there any criminal charges that can be brought against them? I would expect some of them that were named in this article to face civil suits from families of deceased troops and I would expect these suits to fail, but regardless, these men need to face some sort of discipline for their deceitful, and in some ways, murderous actions. Will they? As usual, I won’t hold my breath.

Three Beer Decisions

I can’t help but think that my most recent three beer decision might be the last one I ever make. Probably wishful thinking, but nonetheless, the decision to play in an NHL rules full contact hockey game at the age of 39 while tipping the scales at a mean 135lbs., just could trigger my demise. If I post sporadically after April 25th, it is most likely because I am in traction at the local hospital. As my loyal readers know, I have made many stupid three beer decisions over the years, in fact in some way they probably define my life. Bad decision followed by a lack of judgment, pour over ice, shake, decant, serve. Although I would be reticent not to mention that a good portion of those three beer decisions have led to some spectacular evenings and crazy hijinks. Therein lies the rub.